The Swap
by winn-chan
Summary: OkiKagu oneshot. What happens when Okita and Kagura switch bodies? Disclaimer: Gintama belongs to Sorachi-sensei


_**A/N:** Got this idea when I remembered one of the episodes where Gin switched bodies with Sadaharu. Why is Sorachi-sensei so awesome? XD_

* * *

For some reason, Kagura woke up with an eye mask covering her eyes. Removing it, she looked around. She was in a place where she didn't recognize. Her eyebrows knotted together. She was in a comfy bed in a large room. As for the room, there wasn't much in it. Some files were neatly stacked on the desk and there were wall scrolls decorating the wall. Above her pillow was a sword, a sword that she knew too well.

"SOUGO!" she shouted angrily. What has that bastard done? Why was she in his room? She knew she went to bed in Gin-chan's closet. Did she sleepwalk to the Shinsengumi headquarters? Maybe the sadist kidnapped her in the middle of the night.

She looked down at her attire. She was in men's sleepwear. With fire in her eyes, she barged out of her room and went down the hall. Oh, that bastard is going to get it. He took advantage of her while she was asleep!

"Ohayou, Okita-san!" greeted Yamazaki. Kagura spun around, expecting to see the bastard's smug face, only to be met by a smiling Yamazaki.

Kagura walked up to him and grabbed his collar angrily. "Oi spy, where is Okita that bastard?"

"Huh? What are you talking about, Okita-san?"

Kagura blinked. Was Yamazaki calling her 'Okita'? In fact, she was looking at Yamazaki at eye level. Did she grow taller overnight? She let go of him and ran to the washroom. The reflection in the mirror was Okita.

"Oh my god," she whispered in disbelief. She slapped a random guy next to her, in which he replied with an 'ouch'. She was not dreaming. She was in Okita Sougo's body!

* * *

Okita woke up in a closet. He thought maybe it was all that drinking he did with Mayora and Gori-san last night. Maybe he climbed into his closet. Sliding open the door slowly, he saw a flash of white hair walking to the couch.

"Danna?" he asked as he climbed out of the closet.

"Ah, Kagura-chan. You're awake," Gintoki replied. "Go take your dog for a walk. He looks kind of constipated."

_Kagura-chan? Dog?_ What was Danna talking about? His eyes looked around the room. This wasn't the headquarters.

The front door slid open and in came Shinpachi. "Ohayou, Kagura-chan. Go wash up and I'll make breakfast."

He walked to the washroom in confusion and closed the door. He gaped at the mirror. An orange-haired girl stared back at him with bright blue eyes. He blinked a few times. Somehow he became China. Instead of becoming shocked, he grinned evilly. _Oh, this is going to be fun_.

After changing to China's usual outfit (and taking a peek at her… assets, which he concluded there was none), he went to eat breakfast.

"Itadakimasu," he said and started eating the rice. After a few bites, he looked up at a shocked Gintoki and Shinpachi.

Shinpachi was the one who broke the silence. "Kagura-chan, did you just say 'Itadakimasu'?"

Sougo blinked and replied, "Yeah. What about it?"

Gin, obviously sober enough to know something was wrong, peered at the Kagura in front of him. "Since when were you this polite?"

_Oh crap__!_ Sougo thought. _That's right. Stupid China didn't know any manners and she also talks funny with '–aru' at the end. If I don't want them to find out and end my fun early, I should act more like her._

"Umm, my papi said I should be more polite-aru," Sougo lied.

Buying it, Megane and Danna looked at each other and started eating.

After finishing his meal, Sougo took China's umbrella and headed out with Sadaharu. The dog kept growling, obviously the only one who noticed there was something different.

"Shut up or I'll kill you, you stupid oversized dog," the sadist warned. "Now, time to find my body."

* * *

Kagura also had the same evil plan. She was going to abuse Sougo's body until it breaks down. She dressed herself in the Shinsengumi uniform and armed herself with his katana. Then she headed down to the cafeteria and ate like no tomorrow. All the Shinsengumi members were shocked at 'Sougo's' behaviour. Usually, the First Division Captain would eat a bowl of rice with one grilled fish. But today, he ate three bowls and five fish. To make things worse, he took Hijikata's portion.

Hijikata walked into the cafeteria, only to find that there was no food. He stared down at Sougo, who continued eating.

"Oi Sougo, what the hell? What's with you? You ate my portion, too. Do you want to die or something? I'll make you commit seppuku you bastard!"

Without turning around, Kagura replied, "Shut up, Mayo-freak. I'm hungry today. I'm a growing boy." _Hehe_, Kagura thought. _I guess this is what Sadist would say to the vice-commander._

Hijikata unsheathed his sword and pointed it at Sougo's head, his head steaming. "Look at your elders when you talk! I'll kill you!"

"Fukuchou!" Yamazaki immediately restrained the vice-commander.

Kagura smirked. With a satisfied burp, she wiped her mouth and headed out of the complex.

On her way out of the Shinsengumi headquarters, she spotted Sadaharu. The dog ran to her with full speed, yelping in joy.

Then she saw a smirking Yato girl. That Yato girl was none other than Kagura!

"You bastard! You took my body!" Kagura yelled at her body.

"Oi China, I think I should be the one saying you stole MY body," Sougo replied, deadpanned.

Kagura frowned. "You sick pervert! You better not have done anything to my body!"

That only made Sougo smirk even more. "Don't worry. There's nothing here anyway," he said as he cupped her chest.

"ARGH! THAT'S IT! I'm going to BEAT you out of my body," Kagura charged at her own body.

Kondo and Hijikata stepped out just in time to see 'Sougo' charge at 'Kagura'. They immediately subdue Sougo.

"Let me go, Gorilla, Mayora!" Kagura struggled in their iron grip. _Damn it! If only I had my superhuman strength, I can fling these two idiots away._

"Now now Sougo, you can't just go on charging at a girl," Kondo lectured.

"It's okay, Kondo-san," Sougo said. "I'm not hurt, thanks to you two."

Hijikata raised an eyebrow. Why was Kagura so polite? And doesn't she usually call Kondo 'Gorilla'?

Kagura walked closer to the now scowling Sougo. "I have business with Sougo, so please leave him to me." He roughly grabbed his body from Kondo and Hijikata's grip.

Kondo, oblivious, replied with a wolf-whistle. "Atta boy, Sougo! You have a date, don't ya? Treat Kagura-chan well!" Then he turned to Hijikata, "Ne ne, our boy is growing up huh?"

The demonic vice-commander's temple vein popped. "Kondo-san, please don't refer to Sougo as 'our boy'. I don't want to be in the same family with him."

* * *

Sougo gruffly threw China onto a bench. It was weird staring at himself dusting his suit off when he was really standing. Kagura crossed her arms and glare at herself.

Kagura poked her forehead. "Stop frowning. You'll make me have wrinkles,"

"You're ugly enough anyway. I can't believe I woke up and saw your face in the mirror instead of mine. It's like a huge nightmare."

Kagura lost her cool. "As if! I'm so pretty I bet you're just jealous you can't wake up to my face every morning."

"Who has been telling you lies, China?" Sougo, in Kagura's body, smirked.

"It's not a lie! My papi and mami tell me I'm a pretty girl. I get my genes from only the best-aru. You, on the other hand," she made a face, "ugh, so disgusting with those dead-fish eyes and mushroom hair."

"Hey at least I'm well-equipped, unlike you, flat-chested girl."

"HA! Who are you lying to, SOUGO? The thing hanging between your legs is like a stubby pencil."

"It is not!" Sougo argued defensively.

Kagura was enjoying this. "It is so!"

"You're just jealous because you couldn't land a guy," the fuming Shinsengumi retaliated.

Kagura's hand flew to the belt buckle. "Don't make me undo your pants and show the world-aru!"

Sougo also had something to hold her blackmail. His hands went for the Chinese outfit buttons. "Don't make me unbutton your shirt and show the world your flat chest."

Kagura frowned. _Damn it, sadist! He better not do anything stupid with my body!_

Sougo thought the same. _Stupid China. She better not ruin my image as the First Division Captain._

"Get your hands off the buckle," Okita said after a moment of silence.

"You get your hands off the buttons first-aru," Kagura scoffed.

Sighing, Okita suggested, "On the count of three, okay?"

They both counted.

"One."  
"Two."  
"Three."

They both complied. Now both sitting down, they stared out at the open field. Some kids were playing soccer and there were couples walking around with strollers.

Heaving a sigh, Kagura muttered, "Damn it, I don't want to be a boy-aru. The thing between my legs is annoying."

Sougo chuckled. "I don't want to be a girl either. At least not a flat-chested one." This earned him a knock on the head.

After another moment of silence, Sougo complained, "Man China, your outfit is so hard to put on. These knots for buttons are so annoying. I can't believe you could deal with them. It took me a good 15 minutes this morning just to put it on properly."

"And you think your outfit is easy to put on? It's so heavy and I'm sweating-aru. I never knew the Shinsengumi's uniform was this weighty."

Sougo couldn't think of anything to say, so he replied, "Well, that's how I am everyday."

Another stretch of silence.

Kagura looked over. "Oh yeah, who's that dude with a badminton racket at the Shinsengumi? Yamamoto, was it?"

"You mean Yamazaki?"

"Yeah, he looked like he was going to poop in his pants when I grabbed him by the collar and yelled at him. Haha! It was so funny-aru."

"He's Hijikata's spy. He's quite easy to bully. I often 'ask' him when Hijikata is out of his room so I can plant bombs."

"Ugh," Kagura cringed. "You're so sadistic."

"Well look at you and your crazy oversized puppy. He tried to bite my head off multiple times when I was walking to the headquarters."

She looked over her shoulder at the sleeping white beast. "Sadaharu is a good boy. He only bites people he doesn't like."

Taking a pack of sukonbu from her pocket, Sougo bit into one.

"Hey! That's mine!" Kagura struggled to get the pack.

Putting a hand on his face, Sougo replied, "But now I'm 'Kagura', so I have to eat this crap to stay in character."

Kagura, now pouncing Sougo, defended, "It's not crap! It's good food! Give it back, you bastard!"

After a minute of struggling, the sukonbu fell out of Sougo's hand and onto the sand.

"ARGH! Just my luck. My last pack of sukonbu and you had to waste it. Thanks a lot, sadist."

"Calm down, geez. That crap can't be good for you anyway."

"Stop saying it's crap!"

Sougo yawned. "Well anyway, I guess even if we tell the others our bodies have switched, nobody would believe us. So let's just go back to our respective living quarters and deal with it tomorrow."

Kagura huffed, "But I want to see Gin-chan. I like seeing Gin-chan when I wake up in the morning, not Gorilla, Mayora or Badminton freak."

The Shinsengumi grumbled. "Let's deal with it tomorrow. I'm sure we could think of something."

That night, Okita could barely fall asleep. The closet was so cramped and every time he tossed and turned, the shelf would creak. He missed his bed, his spacious room, his TV, everything. With those thoughts floating around, he drifted off to sleep.

Kagura had no problem sleeping. It was amazing, having a room of her own. Even though it was really the sadist's room and being his body has its own discomforts, this swap was really worth it! She got to eat however much she wanted and got to mouth off to Mayora and Gorilla. She could seriously get used to this.

* * *

The next day, to Kagura's disappointment, she woke up in her cramped closet. Their bodies have switched back. Sliding open the closet door, she squinted at the bright sunlight shining through. As she got out of the closet, a Polaroid picture fell onto the floor. Curiously, she picked it up.

To her demise, it was taken by Sougo when he was still in her body. Her eyes widened in horror. Anger grew inside her quickly as she crumbled the picture in her fist.

"SOUGO, YOU SICK PERVERT!" rang throughout Kabukichou and the said Shinsengumi sneezed at the headquarters.


End file.
